There is a mentor in my life who thinks very similar to the way I do. Therefore when she says something, it most of the time automatically clicks in my head. However there is one phrase she says that has always confused me and left me wondering what the meaning of it might be: “Don’t should on yourself.” Um what? Recently though, it has dawned on me what this means in my life right now.
I have always thought there is no harm in should. I use it all the time.
-I should not have done that.
-I should have studied for that test.
-I should get more sleep.
This is how I thought of this word when she used this phrase with me. This is why it was so confusing. There is nothing wrong with the phrases above. But I was thinking about it in the wrong way. When she was talking to me about not using the word should, she was saying to me “do not let discontentment into your life.”
Lately, there has been a lot of me misusing the word should. The thoughts inside my head have been filled with regret and stubbornness to forgive myself. As these thoughts circle, they penetrate my mind and transform my mindset into discontentment with my life and with that comes a sorrow for what my life is not. Now, there is a healthy dose of discontentment: the kind that motivates you to not allow yourself to stay in your sinful ways but rather better yourself. But the type of discontentment I have found myself to have fallen into has grown past this self-motivation to an attack on my heart. A battle has been waged against my self-worth, every aspect of my life, and with God’s Will for me.
This is when the should has taken control of my mind and kicked my God-given confidence and grace out of its rightful place. When I let the thoughts of “that should be me” or “I should be there” consume my mind, I am not trusting in where God is taking me. When “Things should not be like this” creeps itself to the forefront of my thoughts, I am not trusting God’s plan for me. I have recognized how often these phrases, and many like it, have been running through my head. I have noticed how it has been controlling me and I hate it. It sucks the goodness out of every day. I am just where God wants me to be. And even when my life is far from what I would have chosen, I am capable of not just surviving but thriving with the help of my God.
So it is time to let go of should. When I say goodbye to this word, I am leaving behind discontentment, comparison, and coveting a life that is not mine to have right now. Through this, I now understand why I am not to “should on myself.” It creates a messy thought process and stubborn mind that can only see the trials for what they are taking from me. So instead I will let go of the should and I will seek the happiness in each day for this is the only way to a content and full heart.
With love and grace,
Olivia Mars
LiveGrace 