Nine more days to spend in the place that is forever my first home. I have so many emotions surrounding these last nine days and leaving when these days conclude. The emotion that surfaces most often is uncontrollable excitement. I am giddy. When I head back to Dallas, I am walking into my dream that never seemed like it would arrive. However, there is also the reality that this summer could have been my last time to ever truly live in Iowa surrounded by my people and my family that extends beyond blood. This breaks my heart and I would be lying to say fear has not crept in.
Someone once told me that the biggest thing holding me back was my fear of failure. This statement is, unfortunately, just as true this week as it was when it was said to me four years ago. This week, fear kicked excitement in the butt and sent me into a panic. When a dream comes true, there is the fear of it not meeting the expectations you had for it or, even more so, the fear that you cannot live up to the dream. Eleven mornings from now, I’ll be sitting in my first class at SMU. So much prayer and pain and hard work and time has occurred to make that moment happen and it is finally here. But here is the fear whispering in my ear: “Will everything be worth it?” “What if you fail?” “What if you can’t keep up the good grades?” “What if you don’t meet everyone’s expectations of success?”
This last year I worked so hard to prove I was smart enough and I was good enough and I could do it. And I did it. But I also let a mindset of perfection take over control and a fear of making mistakes. So now when I have arrived at the place where my dream has been held I am ecstatic, but this place will also be filled with challenges that are much greater than last year. I have been letting the fear tell me I don’t belong here and I will fail.
But here’s the thing: I am not called to fear. I am not to listen to fear. My God, My Father, defeats fear. Fear has no place around Him and He lives in me. In the midst of the details and planning, I have been too fearful to give up control and just trust. Trust that I have been prepared for this moment and that each challenge will serve a greater purpose. So while my fears are not without valid points, I am kicking them out of my head. I want to live boldly, fearless, and with a mind full of big goals.
So peace out fear! My God is bigger than you! Regardless of what happens this year, this is my dream and I would not have been led here without a purpose. So here is to the last nine days in the place I love with the people I love and cherishing every moment left in Des Moines, Iowa. But here is also to running into this new chapter with a huge smile, a ready heart, and ridiculously full of excitement. Time to let go of fear to embrace trust.
I have come to realize there is no destination on earth where the danger goes away and everything comes full circle. I have been aching for this moment. The moment when every pain and sacrifice becomes worth it. Everything in my life will not finally fall into place when I step on SMU’s campus for the first time as a student. That is a moment and a feeling saved for Heaven. But we get little glimpses of the goodness that awaits us in our dreams here on earth and I cannot wait to experience this at SMU.
We all have fear that takes root in different places in each of our lives. This is where mine has currently landed. Where is fear holding you back in your life? Identify it and find the cause so you can take control of it. We are not called to be children of fear but children of faith. Let it go and be set free.
With love and grace,
Olivia Mars
LiveGrace 