I can’t help but giggle to myself as I sit here thinking of the direction I want to take this post. I find myself wanting to talk about the expectations I had coming into 2018 and the unexpected turns my life took that didn’t follow the plan I had. But isn’t that how it always is? Isn’t that just life? We all have these plans but they are just wishes because truly we have no control. I am a complete control freak and perfectionist. However, I try and cover it up with one of my favorite phrases, “I write in sharpie, but there is always white-out.” I write in sharpie because I want to will my plans into reality, but I am also aware I am not capable of this and my plans will most likely be covered in white-out. So here is the post that you will probably get every year– my unexpected turns of the past year and making plans for the next that probably won’t happen ;).
This year was really hard. Really hard. I lost people I loved. I think I could physically feel my heart shatter on numerous occasions. I allowed myself to cry more tears than I maybe should have. There were definitely some days I just didn’t get out of bed. People walked out of my life that I thought would be there forever. And at times, I lost myself.
This year had points I think was the weakest I have ever felt. I struggled a lot internally. My mind felt like it was constantly spinning trying to understand the world around me and my place in it. I became more opinionated, and sometimes that scared me. But in all of this, I think I changed and grew more than any other year. A lot happened and it changed me. I did things which surprised myself. I made mistakes and I learned. I grew, and isn’t that all we can ask of each year?
But as every year has its lows and we probably think each year was the hardest year yet, this year also held some of my highest highs. I started at SMU and truly have never been so happy. This was my happiest year yet. Yes, people left my life this year, but dang did I gain some truly amazing people. I found my people. I seriously don’t even have the words to describe my friends to you. They will have to be the subject of a whole different post. But know that I found the friends that love me even if it costs them their sanity and fight for me like it’s their life that depends on it. I would give them the world if I could. This year has made me fall in love with my life and the people I do it with.
These people push me to be better every day and they inspire me to grow. So, from them, I get next year’s plans. These plans for 2019 are not going to be a bunch of goals that those on the outside looking in can see but rather a mindset. This year, I want to live out one of my favorite ideas from one of my favorite books, Uninvited: Live loved so you don’t find yourself looking for scraps of love in places you shouldn’t. I know I am fiercely loved by the King of this world, and if I just lived like that, dang, my life would be full of a lot less stress and hurt. This year, I want to wake up each day and be confident. I want to believe in myself and stop accepting less then I deserve just because I’m scared I won’t find better. I am tired of settling. This year I want to stop making excuses for people that cause me to lose myself. I want to live knowing it is okay to sometimes choose myself instead of doing everything for those who are in my life just to take.
I say all this knowing my purpose on this earth is to show Jesus and love always. It is no secret I am passionate about grace and showing everyone they have immense worth. But how am I supposed to show others they have worth and should love themselves if I don’t live like I believe that about myself? The idea of self-love has always seemed selfish and dumb to me, but I think I am realizing it is necessary. If my cup isn’t full, how can I fill others with love and grace if I have none to give? I am still trying to figure out what this looks like, but this year I want to learn to love myself and give myself some grace to not live like a perfectionist all the time.
2018, thank you for all the pain that grew and changed me and thank you for giving me my best year yet and a life I have fallen in love with. 2019, of course, I have a plan for you, but I am ready to experience all the unexpected roads you will take me down. I know it will fly by and before I know it, I will be sitting here writing all of you again about the previous year. I will write a post probably similar to this one as I know I got deja vu from last year’s post as this one transpired. To all of you, thank you for sticking around and reading about this life of mistakes and growth and grace. I love getting to share my journey with you.
Happy New Year a little bit late 🙂
With love and grace,
Olivia Mars
LiveGrace 