LiveGrace

This year was different. I had a lot of questions. I catered to a slight inkling of doubt. I got really frustrated. I yelled and I cried and I exhausted myself. As a result, on Sunday morning, more often than not you would find me anywhere but church.

The problem was not my belief in the Gospel or Jesus’s undeniable love for me that He displayed on that cross. My problem was the shards of glass that had plunged themselves into my heart when the window I viewed the world through shattered. This window no longer was big enough once the bubble I had lived in was popped. Once broken, these pieces of my glass window contained doubt and their sharp edges stung.

Could God’s goodness really be real? Does He really love me despite knowing every misstep I’ve had along the way? Will He never leave my side even in the moments I dwell in darkness? How does He see all the brokenness, have the power to change it, and yet He doesn’t?

I left my safe bubble where these things I have grown up knowing as truth are questioned. I grew frustrated watching all the hate and injustices in the world and feeling absolutely irrelevant to being able to solve a single problem I saw. I went over the issues over and over again in my head exhausting myself. I didn’t see God in any of it and it angered me. So instead of finding the answers in Him, I slept in on Sunday mornings and played the silent game with God.

I don’t have the answers to all the millions of issues in today’s world, and I am still discontent with not being able to solve all the heartaches I want to. However, if anyone does, I know who. He is the one I have been ignoring, pushing out, and hiding from out of anger. I don’t always understand why God doesn’t act when I want him to, but I’ve been reminded He works in the way of silently moving mountains.

Even when the world seems to be spinning out of control, who I know Him to be remains true. He is entirely good. His love never fails. He will follow me to the depths of the sea. His timing is perfect.

My frustration was aimed in the wrong direction. I had taken it out on the one who is responsible for every good and beautiful thing in this world. The fault is in the hate and injustice, not in the one who can truly combat it. He is not standing by and idly watching. He is working every day. I just have to look for it and ask to be a part of it. If I want to be a part of change, sitting in anger won’t do it.

So each day I am working on softening my heart a little more and giving over trust to the one who holds the world. It will be a continuing journey of surrendering and climbing down the stairs from my ego of thinking I can solve the problems apart from the one who knows all.

With love and grace,

Olivia Mars