It’s been a while since I’ve been here. But today what seemed unthinkable, well, it happened. And I found myself wanting to write my feelings out. So here I am.
The outdoor Track and Field season was canceled today, and my eyes have been dry for maybe two hours total since finding out. And suddenly, not to be dramatic, my life the next few months as I pictured it was uprooted. What I had worked towards for months was gone.
I missed the indoor season battling an injury and FINALLY, I’m healthy and ready to go. I’ve never been so excited for a meet — counting down the days. There were nine more days. Those nine days turned into nearly a year to go. And I am just so sad. I feel like all the work was for nothing. All the pain of the injury and fighting to come back was for nothing. All the time spent accepting I would miss the indoor season but the hope of outdoor was ahead was for nothing.
I’m sad I don’t get to show the work I put in. I’m sad I don’t get to experience the feeling of racing this year. I’m sad I don’t get to spend several hours each day with some of my favorite people on the planet at practice. I’m sad I don’t get to make new travel memories with them. I’m sad this was my last chance at a season with some of them. And I’m just sad I don’t get to do my favorite thing every day.
But that’s life, isn’t it? The unexpected is always happening. And the unexpected isn’t always fair or ideal or what you may think is the best. But it is an imperfect world and these things happen.
A few hours before the news hit, I was getting a tattoo (oops, sorry mom!). The tattoo is: “made worthy”. I didn’t just want to put “worthy” on my body because I am not who my worth is found in. Nothing I accomplish or don’t accomplish determines my worth. My worth is found in Jesus. And it is found in Him alone. It isn’t found in running track or being an athlete or having the perfect season. I was made worthy by what Jesus did on the cross for me.
And I just think that was perfect timing. Because I needed that reminder today. Track consumes my life pretty much entirely and determines my mood even when it shouldn’t. Many times, I let track determine my worth in my own head. But my worth is unchanging because my God is unchanging. So this track season may be gone and that hurts like crazy, but my worth didn’t go with it. And I’ll be okay…just once I go through a few more boxes of tissues. 😉
With love and grace,
Olivia Mars
LiveGrace 