Monday night, I walked in my door after being out of town for a week, and it just didn’t feel the same anymore. It didn’t feel like I lived here or that this was home. It felt empty. It felt like it was time to go.
This is a big deal. I didn’t expect to feel this way based on the last few weeks. From the time graduation happened simultaneously with my last race and until I left for family vacation, I cried more of those 29 days than not. I didn’t feel the “congratulations” I was getting. I didn’t feel like I’d made a huge accomplishment. I felt like I was losing my life as I knew it, and I was. During those 29 days, I was grieving hard. My identity for so many years was ending. No one told me that the days following graduation would be harder than the long nights studying or the hardest workouts, haha! But I suppose my grief shows how much I loved these moments and the people I experienced them with. And so it took me those long 29 days to feel any sort of excitement about what was coming.
I leave tomorrow morning for a new home. I’ve only been to Jackson twice before and when I visited this last time I was struck with a thought that gave me a lot of comfort. I was driving around looking for a grocery store and had no idea where I was going or what would be around the next corner. I remembered feeling that way the first time I drove around Dallas the week of my college visit. I now know that on that first drive I went in a loop around Northpark Mall where I would later find my first friends and job in Dallas at Free People. Then, I took a left on the Tollway and headed towards downtown — a route I would soon take to school and then to Ahnalise’s apartment every day. In that moment during my first drive in Dallas, I had no idea where I was going or that I would soon know those roads like the back of my hand. And so as I drove around Jackson for the first time a few months ago, I was struck with the thought that soon these roads I wandered on would mean something to me, and I would know them well soon enough.
I’m not sure if that made sense to anyone else but me. However, what I’m trying to say is life is full of so many new adventures made up of plenty of unknowns, but when you can think back to the last time you felt that way and see how it unfolded — it is comforting to see that you can tackle this too, and it won’t always be the unknown.
So while tomorrow I leave behind the titles of athlete, student, nanny, and so many other more detailed and intimate titles, I’m beginning to feel the excitement of the titles to come and who I will be in this next chapter of life. CJ told me recently that in order to move into the next chapter, the last one has to quite literally close. And that is hard. Really hard for me. But my perspective has begun to shift from what I am losing to what I may be gaining that is right around the corner — I just don’t know it yet.
And that is life. A whole lot of endings. And a whole lot of new beginnings.
With love and grace,
Olivia Mars
LiveGrace 