A year of pain and growth and joy was 2017. It was a year that I experienced a loneliness that shook me so deeply and caused me to be at war with my identity. It was a year of losing things that held such a high priority in my life. It was a year of many endings. It was a year of replacement, betrayal, and hurt. 2017 left me at times laying in my bed, unsure I had the strength to stand up once again in the morning.
It was a year of tremendous growth. It was the year I learned how to stand on my own two feet apart from other humans and only by the strength of God. It was a year of takings risks. It was the year I moved away from all I knew to start my journey on my own. It was a year of countless beginnings. It was the year of seeing God’s hand at work. It was the year I finally understood my identity and purpose. It was a year of finding my way back on track to following Jesus wholeheartedly. It was a year of confidence, new starts, and humility. 2017 brought me more wisdom and understanding and grew me into someone I didn’t know was possible.
It was a year of joy. It was a year of growing in the knowledge of my Savior and falling head over heels for who I know Him to be. It was a year of trusting in a plan other than my own and seeing blessings abound. It was a year of beautiful, healthy friendships coming into existence. It was a year of falling for someone. It was a year of getting rid of the toxic pain in my life and replacing it with uncontrollable joy. 2017 brought love, patience, and trust.
Wow has this year been a crazy ride. With it, came some of my lowest lows, but it definitely brought my highest highs. As I wrote, tears welled in my eyes as I thought back to the dark places of loneliness and pain that I tortured myself in for so long and the fact that I broke free of that place that controlled me for so long. This year hurt like I cannot even describe. There was heartbreak, surgery, and loss. But wow is Jesus amazing! Because this pain is not who I am anymore. I am so unbelievably happy, and I don’t have to try to convince myself of this anymore because I have a constant source of joy. I am in absolute awe of the pivotal point my life came to. Jesus saved me in a big way this year. I wouldn’t change anything that happened this year because I would not stand here strong today without the times I laid crumpled on the floor with a hurting heart.
In the milestones that everyone around me could see, there was a spiritual and emotional milestone as well. When I graduated and left the place that I had always called home, my mindset changed. In highschool, I was always following what I thought would give me worth. I did anything to feel like I was known and I belonged and I was worthy. I sought this out always and was continuously disappointed. This summer, in a time of loneliness, I believed in my heart truly that my identity and worth were found in Jesus alone and nothing else will fill the void in my heart and the need to be loved. I began to live loved by a King and it made it unnecessary to seek love in places I shouldn’t. Once I had worth, I had confidence.
This confidence was crucial in my move to Texas. With this, I was no longer following worth, but I was following truth. Being the new girl, my mindset transformed to “I have nothing to lose.” This lead to people being invited to church, friendships that otherwise wouldn’t have happened, the Gospel being shared, and allowing myself be vulnerable and grow in ways I didn’t think I could. I never want to lose this mindset. This first semester I sought truth and I loved every second of it. God opened doors and I never said no. I jumped right into every opportunity He had in store for me and I don’t ever want to do it any other way.
So here is to 2018! Here is to more growing pains that will lead to immense growth. Here is to more people coming to Jesus. Here is to new beginnings. Here is to joy. Here is to seeking Him and His plan in every aspect and every step of my life. Here is to never forgetting the miracles God has performed in my life and the hope He has given me. Here is to growing deeper in relationships. Here is to trust. Here is to confidence and here is to the truth.
I know the trials and heartache will come, but this time I am ready for it. With God watching over and directing my every move, truth in my head, and my worth in my heart, this year will no doubt be filled with unshakeable joy. I am so excited for all that is to come and all the lessons I will learn. I cannot wait to see what God decides to change and shake up in my life this year. Let’s go 2018! I am ready.
With love and grace,
Olivia Mars
LiveGrace 